It is so important to keep you and your children happy, because they can feel the strain of life too, and your vulnerability and it is okay to feel, but if life is getting you down and finding life too much, then your kids may feel it too and be unsure as to what to do.
Involve them and just spend some time together on your own, have a chat to explain your feelings, so they can explain theirs. My son won’t always say if he isn’t okay, and say when I ask him “Are you okay?”, he will say “Yes”, and so kids will manage their feelings on their own but there are times when, he will express himself, but it depends on what it is about. He will let me know if he wants to be left alone and will make it clear that he wants space. If he doesn’t want to be photographed he will tell me to leave my phone, so he has my full attention, and I respect that and am teaching the same when I want space, and that we all at some point need space and want then attention.
I wrote in a blog on this site about, being more trustful of my son and letting him do more responsible things, example, when he wants to help tidy up or do the washing up and yesterday wanted to help grandpa. who was fixing one of my sons shoes. There are different stages when it comes to children, when they first born to holding their heads up, then sit up and then walk, as some kids can skip crawling and walk and then run, and they go through making noises to talking and making associations with words and their understanding of life changes and being 45, my points of view are different, to when I was a kid, so they are always evolving and so challenge your children, not in a bad way, but to enhance their development by giving them more responsibility and gaining further independence.
I will hover at times just in case he puts his top the wrong way round, and so to stop this I will do something else to not limit what my son can do for himself, and allow him the space to get his clothes on. When my son goes to the toilet I will let him go on his own indoors and will be letting him go on his own in a cubicles, using public toilets and wait outside, and when we go swimming letting him dry himself off, whilst I get dressed and he will wait for me and unlike he used to run off, will stay and wait and for my own wellbeing, need to stop getting anxious about it.
I think I am still shaken by an incident that happened a few years ago. We visited Putney and I go into Poundland and go to pick up something, my son runs out of the shop, and I try to run after him, but was gone, and thankfully a lady saw that I was distressed and I tell her that my son ran off and so she speaks to a a security guard as there is a big shopping centre, and we go back to the Poundland and he is there, but for that split second I thought he was gone and we were near the River Thames, there are busy roads and many places he could have gone and my heart was in my mouth. I got a feeling I did share this in my blogs on this site, but anyway, it really made me shaken and so probably why I get anxious when we go out, and going to the toilet.
He hasn’t done that since (touch wood, and I do) and so need to get over that, and let him take his time, instead of rushing and when we cross roads I no longer need to hold his hand and will trust him to do it himself. He without being told, when he would use his scooter, know to stop by the edge of he pavement until I caught up with him and will allow him to scooter on and giving him space when in the park and allow him to run around, and have some distance.
There are many Dilemmas when it comes to supporting out kids, and worries, but that is because we care and want the best for our children. Lets work together as parents to help one another. Having a good community can really so lets look after ourselves to look after our kids.
Well this blog I came up with because being a parent I often wonder how much my son takes in and I watch my actions because Kids can copy and so I stop myself from swearing, being cross and my fear.
Photo at Gravity in Wandsworth
Yet my son amazes me all the time watching him grow from a baby to a child, from being a child to one day being a man. I was going to write on my other blog about fashion (https://carriesversatilefashion.com) but I had to write this blog first, because I often wonder because my son has ADHD and Autism, what he actually learning and yesterday we were off to his Swimming lesson and that he will have a different teacher, his usual teacher couldn’t do the lesson, and for him to listen because like me unfortunately can switch off, and he not being prompted said “Its not always about winning but having fun” and my mum and I were like, “Where did that come from?”. We weren’t saying him to win and wish I could remember the full conversati8on, but just amazed, and made us see that he is taking in a lot more than he allows us to see and at the beginning of the lesson he started do the breast stroke on his own and again didn’t realise he can do that. He did have a term during this year of swimming lessons, but because they have to let other kids have lessons he couldn’t continue the lessons on. He also missed a few classes, due to him being unwell and last week it was my nieces birthday party, so was a few weeks since he last had lessons. At the Ninja Warrior Adventure park, and I did write about this in my last blog, and he beat the wall and climbed and done it four times, when he was very worried about climbing frames. Not sure why, we are still working on that, but seeing him do this is rewarding and with the help from others, something has clicked in.
He can now cross the road on his own when at one time he would run off and once when were looking in a charity shop, he ran out towards the road and it was hard to take him out, because of that.
This is not to say I am wonder mum, and I have it all sussed out because trust me I don’t and has been the help and support of family, Including his dad, other mums/friends, but often I would do it solo and question my parenting skills. I have struggled, there are mums who may have had a different experience, but to help other parents it is important to be honest and I still make mistakes like yesterday I had my jeans on back to front. I took him swimming a few weeks ago and forgot to bring his towel, but thankfully they had paper towels, so I used them. We are human, but he still got dry and has made me make extra effort to remember his towel.
He will correct me when talking and he took a really photo with my phone. I know this isn’t climbing a mountain, but its the little bits for me that is rewarding to me as a parent.
My Niece did a long walk for her DV at her school, my other niece wrote a poem that was published and my youngest niece did a performance as she does Drama Classes, and has sung to me of songs she has created and seeing them bloom like this makes me see that children can do amazing things and I do doubt my son at times. I feel the guilt as I write that, and is an area I need to stop. My son can talk for himself and he can make decisions of his own, and so with the things I have seen from him and other kids I know, makes me see that kids should never be underestimated and I need to get out of the habit of doing so.
I am learning, and I remember a mum I worked with when I did finance, I worked within the finance of an Advertising Company, called Grey Advertising and she fell down the stairs and really hurt herself and it was her daughter who had phoned for an ambulance and she wasn’t an older child but of a young age and it makes my take a step back.
Kids know more than what they let on and can be responsible and can someone in a dangerous situation. I wish they would have an Amazing child week and celebrate the amazing things that kids do. My son if he sees another child cry often want to go over to them to see if they are okay, but can stick up for himself too. So lets celebrate our kids successes and praise ourselves as parents too, as we don’t give ourselves enough credit.
When Henry was a baby it took us about 5 months to find a good routine, but now he is older he lives by routine and hates change.
Get dressed together: Rather than getting one child dressed one at a time, have them all get dressed and have their older siblings help them and put some music on to create a calm atmosphere and do some activities in the morning to help boost their energy.
It is important to have breakfast and again, have all your children have breakfast together and help clean away the breakfast items and they help wash their bowls to put in the dishwasher, and ready to leave for school. Oh and make sure they have made their beds, packed their bags and have their bags together by the front door.
Have a meal together: I talk about this a lot but is important. My son when we spend the weekend together will have breakfast, lunch and dinner together because we don’t get a chance in the week and its just nice to add this in and for me it is family time.
Make sure they help once again with cleaning and drying the dishes, if you don’t have a dishwasher and have them help with tidying by making sure the items already dried and cleaned are put away. Oh and have them set the table for the meal and rotate it so they get to do different chores.
Have your kids cook a meal: last weekend my son made a vegetable soup and had some for his lunch and dinner on Monday as I travel to his dads house to wait for him to return to school, and so I make his dinner before his dad comes home and so cooking for me essential to help with their independence, you might like to read this blog too where I talk more about: Helping our kids to be healthy and independent
If they are tiny still of course this doesn’t apply to you, but tips for when they get bigger and if they show interest in food, try baby led weaning. if they are able to sit up, but if you not sure chat with your health advisor or doctor. Henry found this tricky so we just did small amount of food at first to help his body get used to food and started off with baby rice, and got into a routine of giving food at first in the morning and then slowly added more food through the day.
Laundry: When Henry has finished school I will have him take his uniform off and into some casual clothes and check it to see if they need to be washed. I am trying to teach him to fold his clothes, as he will take them off and if they are dirty I will ask him to put them into the washing machine. The next stage I want to help him with, is how to work a washing machine. That will come though, and with encourage and perseverance I know he will get it.
Teaching kids to tidy their clothes and fold them will be good for their motor skills and value their belongings and once he changes then we will play, unless he has homework, as we get this done first before we play. Oh and keep washing detergent out of reach, but helping them put it into to the washing machine ball, to put into the machine, and will help them understand what the detergent and the washing machine is for and always supervise. You may like to read this blog: Getting your kids to be more independent
Getting ready for bed: As Henry has grown he has gone to bed later, so now he will go to bed between half eight to half nine. Often he has asked if he can go to bed, as when they first begin school it can be tiring, and was hard to keep him awake and often when we would pick him up from school he would be a sleep.
So having a good bedtime routine is important for you and your children, and I will let my son wind down slowly because he has so much energy, and so once he has done his homework and changed, we play, before he has his dinner and his dad will do a bit of learning with him, like reading a book and when he stays with me, will now allow no watching his tablet after a certain time, and rest and watch some TV but he has had wash, bath or shower to relax and have quiet time. Then I will read to him and then it is bed time and I will do some writing and or watching youtube on my computer then I will read my book and then it is bedtime for me.
When a child has Autism they like to know what is going to happen and it also helps my son’s ADHD and work in blocks of time to make sure they have gotten to school on time and don’t have a meltdown. It helps them to look after themselves more because getting their bag ready is important and be a natural routine, whereby they don’t have to be told, but do it without a word being spoken.
So I hope that you have a good weekend and more blogs to come.
Before I begin I would like to say a big thank you for those who have read my blogs, and liking my content and following me. If this is the first visit of my blog then welcome. I talk about different topics that you never get told and that I have learned since being a parent. I have a 9 year old son Henry and he lives with his dad and me. His dad’s home is in Surrey and I live in South West London.
I also write books, and written books on parenting, so if you’d like to check them out then you can on Amazon.co.uk and I write under the names Carrie Challoner, Carrie Lee Holmes and Carrie Holmes.
I will be updating this book as when I wrote the book I had baby brain and so some of the dates regarding his birth needs changing, but it like a fly on the wall book where I write like in diary form and so I hope you like it. Its available on Kindle.
In this blog I am talking about Building your children’s personal development. It is so important for our kids to be independent and find their way into the world, and will need many skills to learn that will help their future. Such as reading, writing, listening, talking and memory, getting dressed, going to the toilet and sleeping, that it can be overwhelming for you and for your kids.
So start with taking each step as they develop and if they are interested in a book, allow them to sit with the book and flip through. hardback, Fabric books are good for their senses. It would be books like “That’s no mine…”, as they have pictures with different textures of fabric inside, and pop up books that will make them laugh and you want to build their interaction so its good not just reading, but talking about each book they love, as their awareness develops.
Today my son read the first chapter of Horrid Henry and Partly of Billy Goats Gruff. He has develop delay but he can read really well, its just that he doesn’t always show what he can do and that makes it hard when it comes to school because at the moment the books he is reading at school aren’t challenging enough. Kids, like my son tends to hide a lot of what skills they have, so the learning they do at home, will help them when they go to school, because they will perform more at home sometimes compared to school.
Logging their learning into their school diary of what they have done at home, can help the teachers see that he can read a entire paragraph that he won’t show at school. I know many will say, what about home learning full time, but because he is on the Autism Spectrum he needs that social part of school, and he loves being with other kids.
He enjoys school its just he will hold back a lot and so what you can do at home can make a difference, even if it is 10 minutes of the day.
The same with writing. They will build these skills as they read, and using activity books from stores like Whsmiths can be good to start with along with drawing and helping them make associations with words and writing them down.
Fitting in this has been tricky, so want to do more and can write numbers now and small words, and doing a bit each week or day, is good to help them. Henry is often a bit reluctant to write, but we just do a bit for ten minutes, with a reward helps him be happy about it, and that is where books comes in. It can really be a reward itself for them aswell as a bit of chocolate or a toy that the want to play with.
My youngest niece loves writing and writing stories. Not all kids want to do it, and it can be because they may be dyslexic, so something to consider, not to worry as many successful people have this difficulty like Richard Branson. With my son is because he has ADHD and loves physically learning like he loves sport and trains, and he loved buses and so I made him a book about buses and used this to encourage him to write.
This can lead to listening, and something that my son has trouble with, but is getting better, by giving him encouragement and having structure. If we are watching something we want to watch and not him, we will explain to him first, by saying “Right this programme on now, so we want to be quiet” and quiet time is a good habit especially before bed time, and this leads to an important habit and skill, sleeping.
Sleeping can be hard and I as mum has reminded as I have grown of how much I was a nightmare when it came to sleep as I have always has struggles. This stemmed from when I was a kid and we lived on the ground floor in a housing estate and kept playing visions in my mind of somebody trying to break into my room. I know my mum would be shaking her head, because since a baby before we lived on the ground floor I didn’t sleep, but was an influence I would say.
Having a bedtime routine will help and yes I know you have heard that, but my child still doesn’t sleep well, speak with your health visitor or doctor as they can help. With Henry he has always been good, until he started to grow and often will moan about going to bed now, as he loves being awake and being on the go all the time, wanting to play and watch his tablet but we now don’t have him watch it before bed as it can cause problems with sleep which I did argue against, but has made a difference and now he doesn’t always awake around 5am,. as he sleeps well but wakes up early.
When it comes with talking, my son loves to talk, but this is why he is on the Autism Spectrum because he has Social communication problems, and so will repeat the speaking on trains, example: “Mind the Gap between the train and a platform” but not engage in conversation. He is getting better and so we are trying to stop this especially if there are other children or adults trying to have a chat with him.
He is a social boy, which I know may be contradiction, but he loves other children and will say hello but won’t always engage, like other children. He will stay sentences now, not always in the right dialect, so we will correct him, not angrily or to make him feel bad, but in a way that he says the sentence in the correct dialect.
Kids learn from repetition and where reading can help, and doing speech therapy is great way to help with talking and speaking to others.
Then there is memory and that is where memory comes in. If you keep on showing how to fold a top, they will copy. The more they say sentences in the right context, the more they will continue. Henry’s memory is second to none and remembers when he hurt his head at school and that was 5 years ago, and when I moaned about Boots (a local pharmacy store in the UK) not having birthday gift cards and only had Christmas and so it is little things like that, where its like. Wow you remembered that? And he knew from as soon as he would walk where the park was.
Building memory is a simple as taking the same route to the park so they get to know where they are going and Henry liked when we would walk to school, would want to walk the same route and often I will go through the street names, to help him, and it has helped us to bond and build our relationship with each other, because kids like to be shown things like street names, and counting house numbers to identify numbers.
Henry though, won’t always show this skill, memory and say he doesn’t know but we know he does it appears that he holds his skills back. I have learned a new method to help him by saying, “Sorry can you do that again?” or Can you say that again” and will as we go through it say the answer to something or a sentence that he knows and will show he knows. He just need prompting.
This skill was watching Youtube of a couple called Phil and Alex, and they have two adopted children and a biological child. If they read this blog. Thank you.
Playing games like Dino Duo, Check that out, is a good way to help with memory and there are different games you can play with these cards. (This is not sponsored), it is a game my son and I play a lot and he beats me every time. Card games are brilliant for memory. It help with counting and remember symbols and images.
When it comes to getting dressed, I will leave the clothes out for him and he puts them up. He can do it my son, but can be lazy. They have to do it for themselves to be independent and so its taking a step back as a parent and allow them to figure it out. If my son gets stuck I will offer support but say, “Turn around the other way” for example, when my son puts on a top. He now because I reward him with a high 5 or a cuddle knows when he has put his top on, that he done a good thing.
That is a tip I’d give, celebrate and seeing it as a win
It is a accomplishment and praise goes a long way.
Then there is toilet training. This has been a challenge, and he will still leave it to the last minute and can be frustrated because he is trained he just puts play at the top of his choices but I have had to install that if he does he won’t be able to play, because if we are out means we will have to go home.
He still has struggles when it comes to using the toilet but he is getting better because he I hope this isn’t TMI, in wiping his bottom. He can do it and tries but still have difficulties, but again with all other skills encouragement goes a long way and I don’t make it a big deal its more like “Go and call me if you need help” and he does and this helps with sleep too that he is to go and not wait.
I have put together a board of some of my blogs on Pinterest and so check them out, and there are more blogs to come.
I also have a Youtube channel for more content, which is all about my life as a mum, writer, doing chat videos, Reset videos, hauls and days in a life:
This week it is Children’s Mental health week, and wanted to acknowledge it because I am a mum who has had Mental Health illness and I am a mum with a son and my sons mental health is important aswell as mine and so it is good that I have a good relationship with him and if he has any worries he is able to share them with me.
We have so much fun together and I want it to be that way, and I feel good when I have made him laugh and we enjoy things like dancing, singing and playing sports together aswell as doing other things, like “Yes” homework and this doesn’t always please my son, so what I will do is pre-reward him and say, “If we just do this we can then play” and you can make homework playful, like drawing and taking pictures that they can use depending on what the homework is of course. I get a little anxious about doing his homework because I have trouble with it, so I can see why he may not want to do it, but it is essential so I will say “This what we will be doing now and then we can play but this first lets do some homework” and we figure it out together and my mum I admit will help too as like I have said I have issues understanding it, like maths and yes it is a challenge, so if I can delegate to help him then that is what I will do.
Discuss with your children and what is going on in their minds. I have found doing this is through play like with playdoe or colouring in or as soon as he comes home we will sit and talk just for a few minutes so I can see that he is okay and is happy.
Setting a good example of good relationship can have a huge impact. I would never allow him to watch anything like Jerry Springer or the Jeremy Kyle show because he can copy and didn’t want him thinking that is how you communicate, and so it is good that you have good relationship around you and if there is a disagreement isn’t in front of him.
If they have questions answer them honestly but in language they can understand and not saying anything negative about the other person. When it comes to co-parenting it is important our son (my son’s dad and I) are on the same page, and take upon ourselves to help educate our son aswell as school and help build his mind and body, like making sure that Henry becomes independent and not reliant on his dad and I. The other thing about relationships is to tell them and show them that you love them, and that he learns about personal space. The other day I get a call from my sons school to say that he had been hit by another child in class because he got too close and it’s not doing anything inappropriately he just very affectionate which a lot of children can be fearful of so we teaching him to say hello and either high 5 or shake hands. Or just say Hello and answer a person as he will go off in his own world.
It is all about learning and teaching kids be ready for the big wide world.
The parenting adventures 