Hello everyone, it is Friday yay and before I start this post I just want to let you now that I have already posted a blog today for BLOGMAS DAY 6 on my main site https://www.carriesrealworld.com
If you are like me and love planners, I love a good picture or video about planners that people have shared, then you will like my blog post today on Carries Realworld about my Work Planner for 2019.
I would also like to share an article (linked below) that I came across on my WordPress news feed, and if you are blog writer too and need some inspiration for posts I would always recommend you check the news feeds that come up as they often have some great news ideas and topics that may be of interest of you.
The article below is a about how a mum who made a Sensory Cushion for her son who has Autism out of bean bags, because he would get very anxious and helps to keep him calm. Honestly truly amazing and shows how the simplest of hacks like this can make such an impact and now will help other parents and children too, see below:
Today I wanted to write a blog about,
What to do when kids try to push boundaries because they can’t have what they want!
I know for a fact from seeing other children in my life grow up that there are many mums who have experienced these dilemmas and have been mind boggled as to what to do.
Please do not feel I am being negative about parenting because I am not. I love my son to bits but there are times when I have felt utterly helpless and want to shout “HELLO IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN HELP ME?” and that is one reason why I wanted to write this blog.
I got the idea for this blog because my son today who is off from school because I had to pick him up from school on Wednesday because I wanted to watch something I wanted on the TV instead of him. I had been up early doing some training and whilst he was supposed to be eating his breakfast wanted to make it clear that he wanted football.
He was chucking some magnetic lightweight thankfully letters from his easel, he was jumping on me wanting to give me kisses, which I know it seems like “What how is that disruptive?” because he was literally slobbering me to the point, sorry for TMI but the point of this blog is being truthful, where I was smothered with saliva.
He thinks this is funny because I am going “Errr that’s disgusting stop” as I don’t like to shout or think he can’t express himself and if I keep telling him to stop calmly and not get angry he will stop without me getting cross. In the end the though I sternly said “I am going to watch my programme and then when I am finished then you can watch what you want”.
I MEAN HOW MANY TIMES CAN SOMEONE WATCH MATCH OF THE DAY IN ONE SITTING!
I love my football but we all need a change sometimes.
When he saw that I was making it clear and he wasn’t going to get his way, he did try for a little bit more to be disruptive by jumping and messing around chucking the cushions on our sofa. Then because he saw that I wasn’t going to give in, he eventually gave up and I was able to finish watching a full episode of The Apprentice.
Children will try to push boundaries that’s part of how they learn what is right and what is wrong.
Nevertheless they need to know that they can’t always have what they want, when they want.
- This in turn helps them to form good relationships with others at home and outside. After all everyone should be respected.
- To give people time and space
- Take turns and share
To help make them make the right choices and not push boundaries is to,
- however much they try to be disruptive and kick off, grab the remote control or hide it they need to wait and that everyone has the right to have TV time too. For example.
- Its not always about them. Yes kids should come first when it comes to life decisions, but at the same time you have to make it fair for everyone, yourself included.
- Show them that playing on your own whilst mummy makes dinner can be fun too aswell as playing with others.
When Henry started throwing the letters from is easel when being told a few times,
- I gave him the chance to see if he would make the correct choice by repeating and making it clear that what he was doing wasn’t good before giving him consequences of what was going to happen if he continued.
This did make him stop and think, but he continued so I followed through what I would do, which was put all the letters in the container they were in and took them all the way and this made him stop again and see that “This is what happens when you do wrong and now I have blown my fun”.
When it comes to kids pushing boundaries and getting kids to behave. You may have to repeat yourself a few times for them to grind to a halt and stop.
You do have to be strong, Henry has sometimes when he hasn’t gotten his way turned aggressive by hitting, he used to bite and pinch which I hope I am not jinking, hasn’t done any biting or pinching for ages, and he often will bite his hand in frustration.
so in following on from my first tip,
That isn’t being unkind or or that they shouldn’t have any control, its so they understand that you are the parent and they need to listen and that you have rules and if they do want something they have to be respectful and kind. When they have listened and not pushed any boundaries by being disruptive then they can have a chocolate or their TV programme on.
- Teaching patience helps them understand not to push boundaries and will again help them later on in life and building relationships with others.
During Christmas when kids are playing with their new toys, I bet you that there will be that one child if you have a houseful this Christmas will try to take a toy from another child who is happily playing in their own world and then that child who’s toy has been taken, will then begin to kick off too.
Sharing, doing joint activities where they have to take turns, is the key to getting kids to understand about boundaries because if you have 4 children for example and one child gets to play with a scooter when they other kids can’t, obviously depending on age it can cause friction and jealousy.
- Give each kid time with each toy, and have a timer. Once the timer has gone, then it is time to swap.
To help my son at school transition from one activity to another they use this timing system and I implement this at home too.
- If a child still continues to take a toy away from another child, let them know and what helps with me now is getting on my knees so I am eye level with Henry and say “That is not how we share and what you are going to do, is give that back and then when they are finished with that toy, then you can have a turn at playing and fun with it aswell” and encourage them to go over give the toy back by taking them to that other child and have them say “Sorry”.
If they refuse then you say “I am going to take this toy from you and give it back and you will no longer play” and this where timeout or making them be on their just for a few moment or 5 minutes or so, to let them think about what just happened.
This not only helps with boundaries but with fixing relationships too and admitting and being truthful that they were wrong in their actions. I have done the whole thing of asking “Would you like it if I took your toy away from you?” but Henry has not said the answer I want and said “Yeah”.
DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK BUT YOU CAN TRY IT AS SOME CHILDREN WILL RESPOND THESE QUESTIONS AND SAY “no”.
Boundaries can be fixed but the more they teach about when crossing a boundary is wrong the more it will help them to be the good person they want to be and in turn helps them with their wellbeing.
- If you child does become unbearable to the point you feel that it is your fault and feel you have tried to stop him, but you have no control, don’t beat yourself up. Boundaries pushed or they have completely crossed the line, they can always be fixed and all kids at some point will try to do the same.
I have had bad reports at school and felt that I am some what to blame and felt like “I am trying but not getting it quite right” but children do make up their own minds and choices, and however much we say “Stop” or “Don’t” they will still try.
- As said in many blogs, you have to persevere, be consistent and try to be on the same page with your school and make sure they are on the same page as you and their behaviour can be fixed.
- Also many kids without being shown will in some way find their own way if someone else has pushed boundaries and upset them to fight back. It may be the wrong way, but its how they learn how to take control of negative behaviour towards them.
When we upset people, we can often feel upset to because we feel guilt, foolishness and “I’m such a terrible person”, “I should have done this and that” but we are only human at the end of the day and it still important that we let someone know that we aren’t happy about something.
- If there is an argument or a a disagreement between two or more children, then stay calm and separate them into a different space and let them know what you are going to do and what is going to happen without trying to lose patience so you end up kicking off too, so then you feel bad and “A naughty child”, and allow them to think it through.
I know this may sound easier said then done, but when you take one child into their room or a corner or area, and another in another space. If you speak to them whilst they aren’t kicking off, you won’t always get a clear response and it all starts up again.
Speak to them calmly if not together one at a time and one thing I am trying not to do, is do this in front of others. The reason being I didn’t like it as a child and when an adult would shout at another adult in front of others, you can end up with them being even more disrespectful because they have now been humiliated in front of everyone and made to feel bad.
- When telling a child off or anyone, you don’t need an audience to do it.
Go through points, example “So she wouldn’t let you play with the Barbie is that right and she called you a name? Okay” and then go through the same with the other child and then if you need time to think it through then do so. I good way of doing this is to say “Right you will both read a book or you can watch your tablets for 5-10 minutes why I help to both figure a solution”.
If you are out in the shops then you can’t always separate so you can say “Right we aren’t going to continue until this stops because you are both getting angry and this in turn is stopping me from getting bits for dinner because you are both arguing, so we aren’t going to say another word until we have finished shopping and then when we get home we can discuss it further”.
When kids are arguing someone is kicking off because they can’t have that chocolate bar it can cause embarrassment and negative thoughts to you, and then you can’t often concentrate, so getting them to focus and help you because they need to understand that this isn’t about them at the moment, helps them understand that at times a chocolate bar or a toy isn’t so important right now and its time to help me “Mummy” for example.
I never want my son to feel that he can’t say how he feels and not take control, because again it is part of how he will learn to be independent. Nevertheless when it comes down to it he needs to learn to behave properly for his own sake, not to push boundaries that will disrupt other people and upset them, and be someone as he is very sociable most of the time and very friendly, to grow as a person even further to continue to form good friendships and gain respect from others himself.
- teach them about team work and life skills. My son loves to make his own sandwich now and because he has taken the time to make it himself. He will now eat the whole thing without a fuss and without suddenly mucking about putting jam all over the sofa and walls.
- Team work and life skills are so important, and when they work as a team they will often make the effort to then share. Team work after all is sharing. Doing puzzles, Crafting and Cooking or even playing a sport is a great way to do that
- it teaches children to work together effectively, communicate and support one another and learn when not to cross a boundary that will effect his relationship and morale of the team.
If they make something they are likely to respect it and take care of it better and show them images from books, flashcards or cartoons of when someone is doing something good, or “This is how we eat nicely at the table because when we don’t eat nicely or wait for people to finish their meal at the dinner table before we begin to get up, makes us all happy and then we can have some playtime afterwards”.
So I hope these tips and tricks help you and your kids to have a great Christmas without having tantrums and arguments as much as possible and I will be posting more and more in the days to come for Blogmas. There will be another post on one of my websites tomorrow, so keep checking my sites below for further details.
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Many thanks for reading,
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